Friday, December 11, 2009

Put Your Tiny Hand In Mine

I. Am a Sigmund Fruit. According to "Food Court Druids, Cherohonkees, and Other Creatures Unique to the Republic," by Robert Lanham, I am a Sigmund Fruit. I am a person who insists on telling you about my dreams. In my defense, my dreams are truly truly truly outrageous!!! (Jem!)
Last night Nancy came to me in my dreams again!!! Sometimes I say "my sister," other times I say, "Nancy," but I think everyone that knows me by now knows that my sister Nancy died five years ago from malignant melanoma (WEAR SUNBLOCK BITCHESSSSS).
Out of all my family members, I am the one whose dreams she visits the most often. I accept that the reason behind this is because I am the most emotionally unstable in my family. HA HA HA HA HA oh hello prozaczoloftlexapro!!!
Sometimes she has her long, blonde, curly hair, like she had when she was healthy. Other times she has short, thin, baby hair, like she had while she was sick and undergoing chemotherapy. In some dreams she is healthy, strong, and able to kick my ass, in others she appears frail, weak, and vulnerable. She was older than me, but shorter than me, so I used to call her my "little big sister." When she was sick, I was very overprotective of her, but we were each others' "little bird." When she was healthy, if she wanted to, she could probably have beat the crap out of my brother and I at the same time. When she was sick, I would be able to lift her little body in bed and rearrange her pillows so she would be more comfortable. She would say to me, "You're the best sister in the world," and she would tell others, "Kathy is the best sister in the world." Thinking of her in those moments makes my eyes well up.
Well, the original point of this post was to say she came to me again in my dreams last night.  She had long, blonde, curly hair, and we were all spending time at my parents' house for the holidays. I wanted to bring her and my brother to see my new apartment on South Beach.  Our time together was limited because my brother had to drive back to Gainesville and she had to go back home also.  Although it was never spoken, I assumed "home" for her was New York.
I've been trying to figure out when it is that she comes to me in my dreams.  Is it when I feel utterly hopeless, when my grief and despondency are severe, or when I'm happy and loving life and wishing she were here on Earth so I can share my happiness with her?
It feels kind of like a pattern that I can't quite figure out. Perhaps I am scared to figure it out, because once I do, her visits will decrease?
In the moments right after her soul/spirit left her shell, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt free, strong, at peace. I asked my mother as I wiped away tears, "Mom, I feel different, it's like I don't feel sad anymore! Don't you feel that?!" My mom just looked at me like I was crazy. My therapist at the time said that Nancy had left me her strength.  I believed that for a short time, then realized it could NOT be further from the truth. Losing Nancy, losing her as my sister, altered my identity tenfold. I was lost, broken, fractured, my spirit was deeply shattered and I had no idea how to live; I couldn't fathom a life without her at my side. I grew to resent girls with sisters; I saw my girlfriends sharing their happiness with their sisters, and I hated them. I hated that I would never have her to call, to go to the movies with, to travel with, to have her as my Maid of Honor at my wedding. I felt that as long as she was alive I would be okay; now that she was gone, I was just a shell. No spirit, no soul, no happiness, no pain. I was going through the motions, just so that my life would eventually end and I would be with her again.
My relationship with my brother strengthened, as a result, even though we were always close, but we were both incomplete.

Woah. Ok. I just re-read this post, and I'll be the first to admit I'm a Debbie Downer!!! Sorry. I admit I was listening to depressing music while writing this. I blame Adam Levine and Alicia Keys!!!

So sorry. I hope I didn't upset anyone. Maybe this video will cheer us all up:


  1. In those last months I was almost afraid of touching Nancy. She looked so fragile and I was convinced that I would do something clumsy and hurt her. Not you. You took care of her while I stood there in awe of your selflessness. I think of those private moments often, where the reality of life and death was so shattering, and pray that if ever I am in a situation like that again I am more like you.

    I love you. ♥

  2. P.S. Nancy would have totally kicked both of your asses and baked a cake while doing it.