Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Don't Tell Mom The Online-Dating Is Dead.

In order to distract myself from the constant and profound depression brought on by the collapse of my relationship with my "Life Partner," I signed up for what could possibly be one of the most masochistic experiences I've ever put myself through. Even more painful than the time Patrick Dempsey wished me a happy birthday at the airport and I froze, literally FROZE, while clutching my chest like my heart was about to DIE, online dating has brought me to a new all-time low. This train wreck beats my last all-time low, when, after our breakup, and after I spent most of the day laying in bed, I dragged myself over to Publix to buy a cake. I hadn't showered or brushed my teeth all day, my hair was a nappy, mangled, bird's nest, and I wanted to buy myself a "Break-Up Cake." The older man that was bagging it was very careful with it; I said, "Don't worry about it. That cake's not goin' anywhere."
Here's a picture of the cake I ate to take the edge off of my despair and despondency:

This time around, there is no amount of cake that can help take the edge off the mortification that is online-dating. Except I just stuffed my face with three mushroom chicken fajitas and I feel like a goddamn whale that's about to explode. But that's not numbing the pain, so hold on a second while I go get a beer from my fridge. Don't judge. Don't you even judge.
Alright bitches, I'm back.
Where was I... oh that's right, my life sucks so I'm pimping myself on the internets.  Whoa HOLY SHIT I JUST HAD AN EPIPHANY!! WWJCD?! WHAT WOULD JOAN CRAWFORD DO?! Would SHE have a profile on okcupid?! Well, clearly, we all know she wouldn't. Honestly, everyone (especially my co-workers) know that I can be a huge Joan Crawford-esque betch sometimes.  I am not yet as powerful as Joan was so I took the initiative of joining the dating site to see what the hoi polloi do to meet other sociopaths. In other words, to quote Winona Ryder, I am doing research for a role.
Before I continue, I feel I should point out that a good friend of mine met her fiance on okcupid, and they are both well-adjusted people. They have never in my presence exhibited sociopathic tendencies. I just feel that my online dating experience has thus far provided me with endless comedic material, and I plan on taking advantage of that. Fully. Every day. Until the train wreck comes to an end, or until I delete my profile. Or until Joseph Gordon-Levitt starts replying to my fan mail and realizes we were destined to be together. ::sigh::

More later, my little alien babies!

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