Thursday, April 7, 2011

Wheelchair Asshole

Yesterday was my berfday (go vampira!). I made plans to hang out with two of my favorites, John and Irmy, at the 11th St. Diner on Washington Ave for some cake. Two out of the three of us are avoiding alcohol for a little while so we were like, "No alcohol, just CAKE." They got to the Diner before I did, so I was speed-walking my way over there. There was a hot black guy walking down the sidewalk towards me and when he saw me he stopped and waited for me to walk past him. He had take-out food in one hand and held out his other hand for me to shake. Being the friendly tranny that I am, I smiled and shook his hand, and kept walking. He turned around and asked me, "When do I get to see you again?!" I yelled back, "You don't!" That reply prompted him to run after me. Whaaaat?! Dude ran down half a block to catch up to me. I started laughing and yelled, "FASTER!!" When he caught up to me I stopped and we talked for a little while. He gave me his number and we chatted for a little while. He seemed like a really nice guy but I'm not dating anyone until I start to look my age. And by the looks of it, that will be when I am deceased and decomposing in a grave somewhere.
I made it to the Diner and my babies were sitting outside waiting for me. I asked if we were gonna stay outside or go indoors and grab a booth. The weather was nice and the people-watching was interesting so we decided to stay outside. Across the street we saw this dude in a wheelchair letting out these weird crack-addict screams. At one point he stood up from his chair and walked over to a garbage can. We were like, "Awesome, he doesn't even need the wheelchair... "
While we waited for our waitress to bring us some menus, we saw two guys walk down the sidewalk right next to our table. One of them was a tall white dude, with a shaved head and a handlebar moustache, and his arms were sleeved up in colorful tattoos. I said, "That dude is delicious." Irmy laughed and John wanted to take a look, so he pretended to be a super-obvious Peeping Tom and look through the bushy potted plant right behind him. Irmy and I laughed at the way John was rustling through the plant, when he could have easily leaned forward and taken a better look at Delicious Dude. I asked him to hold the pose so I could get a picture of him, when we noticed that the wheelchair crackhead had Fred Flinstone'd his wheelchair across the street and stopped right next to our freaking table. I put my phone down & told John, "Ok, wait, I'll take the picture in a little while."
I didn't know crackheads had bionic hearing, because this motherfucker called me out on my putting my phone away. He cracked out, "What, I come over here and you put your phone down? Ahh! What, I'm not a person? What, you're better than me? Ahh! What, I spent five years in prison! You don't learn shit in school!! Only on the streets and in prison! I was in prison!!" He rambled on about how... um.... crap, I don't remember the rest of his crack monologue. He spotted a man smoking a cigarette on the sidewalk behind us and yelled out to him to bum a cigarette. Then he pretended he had difficulty standing up out of his chair, yelling, "Ahhh my leg is broken!!" The other man walked over and gave him a cigarette, and then crackie sat back down and .... fucking stayed there, watching us. Very casually. Dude was not going anywhere. When the waitress came out, John said to her, "This guy won't leave... maybe we should go inside...." The waitress said to the Wheelchair Asshole in Argentine spanish (I can always spot the Argents), "SeƱor, por favor, se puede mover un poquito, porque los esta molestando." (Sir, please, can you move away a little, because you're bothering them.) This request provoked Wheelchair Asshole to yell, "YO ME VOY PA' LA PINGA!!!" Roughly translated, this means, "I'm gonna go fuck myself!!!" The awesome Argentine waitress calmly replied, "Bueno, ¿se puede ir para la pinga ahora?" ("Well, can you go fuck yourself now?") Irmy and I were dying laughing because she was so calm about it, she spoke with  the same intonation as when she greeted us and brought us our drinks. The four of us collected our things and everything on the table and high-tailed it inside. It took us a few minutes to compose ourselves and stop laughing at how awesomely our waitress handled that douche. 
At the end of the night, we Mission:Impossible'd our way out of the diner, sneaking around the corner, waiting to see if there was a super-pissed-off-ex-felon-crackhead barreling down the sidewalk, trying to take one of us out with his wheelchair of delusion. The coast was clear and  the night was saved, all by one petite Argentine waitress with an immeasurable amount of sass.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Donald & Tina

Donald Glover, (Troy from Community) on Tina Fey: "Tina Fey had probably the biggest influence on me other than my parents. She's just not afraid. I loved watching her work cause she was so brave. I was really scared when I got to 30 Rock, she was like "I don't give a fuck. Be you. If it's funny, it's in the script." And watching 30 Rock, there's so much Tina there that it made me see how I should start being me more too. Started putting out more music and started not being as afraid to be me. Tina is a true gangsta. She don't give a FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK. I put her against any chick in the game.
EDIT: "Against ANYONE in the game." She'd destroy anything. If she started rapping, I'd quit. I don't want that.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Lost and Fou---WTF IS THAT

The other day at work there was this thing laying on the ground and I walked over to pick it up and throw it away because I hate litter. When I got to this object I stopped dead in my tracks. The little Hispanic lady standing next to this thing was staring down at it. We stared quietly at this object for a few seconds, then simultaneously looked at each other and were like, "¿¡Que es eso?!" I asked her where it came from; she said she didn't know, that she just saw it laying there on the floor. I said, "Que cosa mas rara....." then scooped it up in a tray. I stared at it in the tray for a good while, longer than I should have I suppose, but I just had so many questions for this little guy!!!
I wanted to know where it came from. Did this fall out of someone's suitcase or purse? Did this fall out of someone's pocket? Or did this fall off someone's hand? Was this a prosthetic thumb?! What happened to the biological finger this fake finger replaced, was it severed in a heavy machinery accident? Did the wearer take off fakey to sleep at night? Did the wearer have a special dish on their night stand for this little guy? What was the purpose of the red fabric inside? And furthermore, why was this thing never washed?! Oh filthy little angel prosthetic thumb!!! Where have you been in your travels that your owner couldn't once take you in the shower with him?! You poor little fake thumb......

Also, I should mention that this fake thumb was hard as heck. It was not rubbery or squishy but hard and plastic-y. I turned it in to the Lost & Found, just in case the owner came back for his yucky digit.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

5 things VIII

Five things I'm grateful for, in no particular order:
1. Ikea
2. My dermatologist
3. Unlimited texting
4. Cheetos
5. Ryan Gosling

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

5 things VII

Five words I love, Wednesday, 11/24, 11:44pm.
1. sociopath
2. uterus
3. frenzy
4. exhilarating
5. translucent


Monday, November 22, 2010

5 things VI

Five things that will always be awesome, Monday, 11:41 pm:
1. Netflix.
2. My homeboy Scott's texts in "Spanish." That white boy cracks me UP! (ok sorry, I know you're not 'white,' Italian-German mofo.)
3. Tina Fey.
4. Twinkies.
5. My bro. Diego will always be awesome.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

5 things V

Five things I love, Sunday, November 21st, 11:44 pm.
1. Spent the weekend with my super-amazing brother, his super-sweet new girlfriend, my tranny-betch cousine, and my bro's friends, who all, understandably, adore my bro.
2. Having friends that don't yell at me for texting while driving.
3. I love the sepia setting on my camera. I love it so much.
4. Simultaneously texting my TWD buddies during the show, discussing our thoughts, feelings, and rage at the survivors/walkers/vatos.
5. Singing along to Nirvana at the top of my bird-lungs in my car on really long drives.