Wednesday, October 27, 2010

This One's For My Trannies

Last weekend I had a three-day weekend due to a change in my work schedule. I used to be off Fridays and Saturdays, and now I'm off Saturdays and Sundays (go on and hate). I was thinking about how to spend my three-day weekend when I heard the call of a tranny in distress. (The tranny-in-distress call is not unlike the sound of a young gaysian belting out terrible karaoke songs.) 
I hurriedly packed my fabulous PBR duffle bag and hauled ass outta Miami to visit my Tampa Bay tranny, my cousine Goldie. We spent Friday night surrounded by fabulous gays and manly drag queens at Hamburger Mary's in Ybor City, where we ordered, among other things, fried twinkies. Um hello miss lady yes you are imagining that correctly: super tasty and super fried Twinkies.
As far as the entertainment at Hamburger Mary's, I kept thinking, "These queens ain't got shit on my ladies at Lips!!" (Haven't been to Lips, in Ft. Lauderdale? GO. Make reservations RIGHT NOW and go. You will NOT be disappoint. Trust.) After Hamburger Mary's we went to a small gay shop where I found the perfect magnet for me:
Oh, you haven't heard about my last break-up? Yeah, this magnet sums it up REAL. QUICK. ::finger snaps::

On Saturday, Goldie and I wandered around Ikea, daydreaming about all the things we would buy if money were no object, and also speculating about how many germs were on the beds and mattresses on display. We also thought it was hilarious imitating our moms getting in and out of bed. Our grandmother is right: we're shitty daughters. (Just kidding, brother, don't get all dad on me.)

On Saturday evening we joined our other Tampa tranny, Mia, and a few other friends at a German restaurant. My first time eating German food was uh-mazing. Loved it, LOVED IT! The food was super delicious, and there was this tiny little old lady playing the accordion and singing. Sweetness!!!
The food was so delicious that Mia couldn't help but lick her plate. 
"Damn, Mia, chill the fuck out!! You in public, girl!" 
This might be one of my most favorite pics I've ever taken with my iPhone.

After dinner we got down to some good ol' fashioned pumpkin carvin.' Goldie, Mia, Andrew, and I headed back to Goldie's house to get down n' get dirty with some pumpkin goo. We had some Octoberfest beer and some candy corn. Even though Andrew kept saying how disgusting candy corn is I couldn't stop shoveling them in my mouth; I will always love the candy corn!!! You can't make me stop loving candy corn, Andrew, you failed candy corn interventionist!!!!
Ok so with three pumpkins and four people, Goldie and Andrew tag-teamed a pumpkin, while Mia and I each had our own. Goldie and Andrew used a pattern from a pumpkin-carving book, and they went straight for the four-pumpkin patterns. I speculated that the number of little pumpkin icons a pattern had should be indicative of how many pumpkins you'd fuck up before realizing your pumpkin carving mistakes and correcting them on yet another pumpkin. The number of little pumpkin icons a pattern gets is in direct correlation to the difficulty of carving that specific pattern on your big, wonky, orange, goo-filled gourd. (Can we talk about yummy pumpkin goo, and how fun scraping it out of the pumpkin is? Can I get a job where I just mash my fingers in pumpkin goo and pumpkin seeds all day? Email me. Serious inquiries only.)
Mia and I wanted to go pattern-free and wing it, and so we drew inspiration from our roots. Here are our pumpkins:
Goldie and Andrew's Four-Pumpkin Pumpkin 
Mia's Pumpkin:
My pumpkin:
And the pumpkin pageantry on full display:
The Wu Pumpkins:
I was able to perfectly carve out each letter, so of course this provided us with more photo opps:
This was my tribute to Liz Lemon:

On Sunday morning, Goldie, Mia, and I had Mexican for breakfast at Taco Bus. I had a really tasty tofu quesadilla, but I don't remember what the other trannies ate because we were having a serious tranny discussion. Mostly sharing tips on maintaining and maximizing our fabulous tranny ways, and what to do when we hear the call of a tranny in distress.
Also, the words "douchebag," "idiot," and "fucking low-life" may also have been dropped a few times. Just sayin.'

Overall it was an awesome weekend spent with strong, fabulous trannies and lots of really good food. I tell ya, having a bird stomach makes me re-consider my whole stance on bulimia sometimes. Don't judge. Fried Twinkies and a four-course German meal wouldn't DARE judge you, so don't you be judging me as their vessel, their super fabulous (oh Tina Fey, more food, fuuuuu, how the hell am I supposed to finish all this delicious food) vessel.


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