Who dat?!

It's 3:55 am and I just got home from what could easily be described as the most interesting night I've had since I moved to South Beach. My co-stars for the evening were Billy and Belinda, and our night included an unusual hodgepodge of characters: Jesus-freaks on Ocean Drive, a near-fight in Jerry's Deli by two drunken football fanatics, lots of slutty girls walking around in bikinis (it was 51 degrees outside), the Miami Beach International Travelers Hostel, a wasted Steve Zahn look-alike and his delirious best-friend with a strange and ever-changing accent, three drunk British guys that live in New York temporarily, one of whom was a redhead (!!!), one who just turned 23, and the third who looked like he was from Pakistan but was named Vinnie, giggled alot, and wore pointy metallic shoes, a sassy black lady named Sha'mae, who was from Detroit and in town for the weekend, "just for fun," and an Australian, a German, and later, a Mexican. The night would never have been made possible if it hadn't been for the late night/early morning hostel employees: Phil, the reception guy, Mama, the geriatric "Mother Hen" of the place, who desperately needed a belt on her jeans, and Scary Dude, the big, black, and tall bouncer (and no he wasn't scary 'cause he was black, [that's racist!] he was scary 'cause of his facial expressions and the way he paced around watching everyone).

As usual I had my camera with me and took a gazillion pictures.

Enjoy the photo essay I have affectionately labeled, 

"About Last Night...."

Ocean Drive was littered with Jesus Freaks. Did they really think they were gonna get through to wasted football fanatics? Silly Jesus Freaks, will they ever learn?

After we saw this sign I turned to Billy and yelled, "REPENT FOR YOUR SEXUAL PERVERSIONS, YOU FAGGOT!!," and then of course we giggled like a couple of little schoolgirls.

It was freezing outside, so we ducked into Jerry's Deli for some hot foods. Look at Belinda, she is so pretty!! A little while later two guys had to be separated 'cause they were about to FIGHT!! Weird thing is, one looked like he could be the other guy's dad. We wanted to yell out something totally irrelevant, like, "Yes we CAN!" or "Cowabunga!!!" (File that under, "Shit Only My Friends And I Find Hilarious.")

Billy and me, or as Belinda put it, "a gal and her gay." We were pretty cold, and there were some skankish chicks sitting at the bar in their bikinis. And we're not talkin' 'bout some Victoria's-Secret-model-type girls, we're talkin' 'bout some omg-what-happened-to-the-front-of-your-torso-why-is-there-extra-skin-there-that's-not-what-a-stomach-should-look-like-and-why-do-you-have-lumps-hanging-out-of-your-lower-abdomen-type girls.

Steve Zahn look-alike!!! Seriously, this guy could do stunt work for Mr. Steve Zahn. For the record, here's a picture of Steve Zahn:

Here's another shot of him: 

He was all, "I look like Steve Zahn?!" Oh and for the record, he had no idea I was taking pictures of him.

All the actual employees were outside when the phone started ringing incessantly, so Belinda was kind enough to answer the hostel's telephone and give directions.

One of the hostel guests we met, and the only female we met, was this lady from Detroit named Sha'mae. She was hot, sassy, and fierce! She came down this weekend by herself, and was planning on going to P.Diddy's party tonight at the Fontainebleau. She was really upset because while she was touching up her lipstick in the bathroom in her room, one of her roommates turned the light off. She told me she "wasn't gonna go all Detroit on their asses," but "you don't. DO. that. to people." I've never stayed in a hostel before so I was asking her lots of questions about where you keep your valuables when you leave the hostel, for like, sightseeing and parties. She took me to her room so I could see the "broke-down trash with the bumps and bruises all over her skin" she was sharing a room with that turned the light off in the room while she was in the bathroom. You DON'T. do. that. Thankfully they were sleeping/pretending to sleep 'cause I really thought Sha'mae was gonna git all Detroit on their asses. She refilled her drink and gave me the rest of the wine in the bottle. We did lots of high-fiving. And yes, this is a picture I took without her noticing, of her leopard print heels. The last thing I needed was to get caught taking a picture of Sha'mae, 'cause she's from "the D," and I've heard stories about Detroit that will scare the chest hairs off an Australian.

Which brings us to our next subject: The Australian.

Belinda taught him a new phrase: camera whore. This dude was on. point. No matter how far from him I was, if he saw my camera in hand he posed. And posed. And posed. And posed. We were like, "This behavior, what you are doing right now, this is called a camera. whore."

The photographer with her eager subject.

 The hostel guests would ask us, "So, where are you from?" or "What room are you staying in?" and we would say, "Uh.. well, we actually live a few blocks away, and were just walking home when we decided to stop by and check out the hostel." We are seriously so fuckin rad!!! And this photo is the tamest photo of the night. This is the "civilized" (one of Mama Isabel's favorite words to use) shot.

This is one of my favorite pictures of the night. It looks like I'm picking my nose, but I was probably just pushing my glasses up, or pointing at my nose and whispering, "nazi blood... jewish nose..."

So much happened last night but I honestly don't have the energy or the desire to divulge all of our scandalous secrets. You know how the saying goes, "What happens at the hostel, stays at the hostel... and the free clinic."  (I'm joking people. ... Or am I?)

Let me just add that Scary Dude, the hostel bouncer (and yes I did call him that), asked me if I was a journalist, 'cause he said I asked lots of questions. He also said he liked my glasses and my boots, and that I had the sexy scientist vibe. Then he asked if he could "knock my boots." I was like, "Hey there, subtlety, well, uh, maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow... (crickets...)"

Oh and The Australian had me laughing out loud when he drunkenly yelled, "You crashed my hostel!!!!"

So, um... that about sums up our lovely evening. I love Billy and Belinda soooo much and I can't wait to blog about our future adventures!! (hopefully involving more unsuspecting hostel dwellers!)